nervous wreck, reluctant optimist
Before wanting you, I wanted you happy before wanting you, I wanted you happy before wanting you, I wanted you happy and it echoed
in the quiet of my conscience,
in the absence of your ache,
in the shadow you’ll cast when you face a new sun.
What I didn’t get to say was:
make a promise,
make for the door,
make it worth it.
I will build a new room without you and dance to these echoes knowing you are dancing too,
away but into arms that you can call home.
Do not move; I could use a little more time
with your shadow, to memorize the echo when you say my name.
When everyone finally looks like you I can just hold a stranger’s hand,
sleep in my own embrace, let our songs kiss me the way you did—
I know each by breath. I will see you, in every alley, every storefront,
every time my eyelids rest—in all these places I won’t remember
if not for your face, a watermark on every image.
So, stay still. For one more moment until I wake up.
It feels as if it was just Monday,
every moment in between was a blur of busy.
The noise of work, then the quiet of nights.
What is it to just watch the cycle of daylight?
Each time you say “take courage” I temporarily
inflate into invincible.
I bounce around my bedroom listing all the things
I can do, but, never when. Never how.
Until somehow, I find myself out of air
wanting to hear it all over again.
Sometimes I hate it—the vast silence
you thrive in. Knowing I’m not part of it.
That it is your becoming. And the person
you come out as? That peace, and
the ease with which you breathe,
I recognize it as if from dreams.
You tell stories about your journey
and I get lost in the way you laugh
like an exhale. Like it all makes sense
now, even the distress. But,
how can I not love this lightness in you?
Suddenly, there is more of you to behold,
and luckily, we have all the time.
At the front porch of my day is a precious gift
I take for granted—the break of day
pulling me out of spent slumber. A shallow annoyance
as towards a little sister, yet looked on with love
because of her charm, her optimism.
Here is a whole day filled with opportunity to laugh,
to eat, to make something with my hands, and raise it up
for the heavens and earth to see.
Nothing screams louder in my heart’s ear than longing.
For what exactly, is another hunger that sets off
this cycle of yearning for any thing not within my grasp:
a dear friend, a donut, a dream.
Even breathing is desire for air, so who could fault me for this?
I wake wanting, sleep sighing at the end of the day. And this ache—
this perfect, faultless ache I carry is how I live;
always with high hopes in my heart.
something inside me is dying
and I don’t know how to shake it awake
or if I want to. then, I will ride a melody,
or fantasy, away from the dead town of my body.
there is also anger, raw and righteous,
enough to defibrillate this hacky sack heart.
only if absolutely necessary, there is the deadness,
the shrill quiet; inviting, uninvited.
the last song before you sleep,
no memory to keep, not even hope,
sings rest and waiting and nothing
and none.
One thing I learned about human emotion is how every feeling is just a version of wanting.
Today, I spent some time soaking in Jae’s eaJ project and I noticed exactly that—from wanting to be stuck in a beautiful moment (LA TRAINS), to thinking about someone in the midst of good news (Otherside), there is so much longing in these songs, and longing is something I’m well-versed in.
I survived a 5 year cross-continental, long distance relationship. During that time, helplessly wanting was the same as breathing. If these songs were alive then, it would span most, if not all, the different facets of my longing—from an explicit yearning for nothing but the other person (Pinocchio), to a more subtle need, this time, for clarity (Rose) cause yes, being apart from the one you love is blinding in its pain.
Even with a supposedly sullen track like Guess Not, eaJ ends up missing, wanting something that’s not there. “Funny how I left cause you were a lie, and now I’m one. Cause I said that I wouldn’t but I miss you so damn much”
My partner and I had and still have a great relationship, but separation of that extent is so crippling, it could break anyone. It was a lot of work to keep on talking over video calls, every single day, over your sadness, even when there’s nothing left to be said.
As I streamed all 10 tracks on YouTube (including the acoustic ones produced for 88rising), I noticed most of them are layered in warm reverb—from the soft acoustic guitars of LA TRAINS, to the various electronic keys in most of the tracks, giving an illusion of space, or nothingness in space, calling attention to your lonesomeness. On the other hand, Jae’s almost-whisper singing suggests an intimacy most of us crave.
Since these are more snippets than actual full-length songs, there’s no time to establish a traditional song structure—mostly an A part, at times a pre-chorusy transition to a B part. They’re straightforward, no bridges to bargain with, but not without a blow from a bass drop (Guess Not is a gratifying example) or a line that sucker punches you in the gut. 50 proof, a personal favorite with its soft, warm reverb piano, layered backing vocals, and Jae’s honey butter crooning is the pinnacle of longing (“who holds you on your 50 proof high… wondering all night, who loves you now”.)
I’ve been reunited with my significant other for a while now, but with that means leaving our homeland, my family and friends, and settling down in an unknown town an ocean away. Isolation is a new brand of longing, and it doesn’t comfort me to know that for other people, even in the midst of loved ones, even in a place you call home, one can still be held captive by it. In the time of covid especially, we’re learning new ways to yearn for those we hold dear.
Day6–my emotional support band!—is on break, and just recently, Jae on his podcast talked about how long someone could be alone. There is so much discourse on our need for connection and mostly, the first step to dealing with it is acknowledging it. Today, the eaJ project reminded me how much I long for human connection, like most do. At times, I feel helplessly alone, other times I thrive in its tranquility. For now, I stream eaJ, and Day6, and all other music that would fill this space of wanting, until someone or something comes along, loud enough to not hear the silence of solitude. 06/12/20
At least three machines hum in harmony around me, in this bare block of morning
right after I break my bones, right before I break my fast,
right when I switch across
three windows of mindless maneuvering on my phone.
I have lost all romance in me despite all the love songs,
all the fiction, amid videos of cats doing the bare minimum.
I imagine what feels romantic right now and I find myself reaching into a canister of flour,
pushing into the soft dough of what would be the smell of heaven on earth.
I daydream of singing seated on the floor of my bedroom,
guitar perched on my lap, neither of us could tell time.
I fantasize about the beach, or some other far away place
I don’t know the street names of, being a stranger.
I have lost all romance in me until you arrive, brand new in the morning.
They say there is mystery in romance and I wonder, if you dream of me, too.
It’s about time I write about spring.
See, I don’t particularly enjoy the wet
ground, nor sneezing. I pile my fluffy sweater friends in one corner of the room—as if leaving them there would make winter come back, please—undecided about welcoming the unwanted guest. Maybe I just don’t feel like meeting another me—fickle, always crying, awkward sister of summer.
Yet, I stepped outside for mail or what-not, only to find a tree in a sweater of pink fluff.
The flowers were loud, and so were the birds, chirruping theatrically, perhaps laughing at how stupid I look, mouth agape at this sudden attack. Spring was wearing her hair down, whistling with the wind. Louis Armstrong roars in. We must all look silly to her—with our masks and worries on. Somehow spring came while we were indoors, she’s out and about carefree. Maybe I’ll learn something from her, like how to blaze on beautifully despite the world ignoring me.
nervous wreck she 